Not Rude, Not Passive: The Everyday Power of Assertive Communication 

For years I believed speaking up made me difficult. Whether it was telling someone I couldn’t take on another responsibility or letting a friend know that a joke hurt my feelings, I would rehearse what to say for hours and then say nothing at all. I didn’t want to be rude or cause a scene, and I didn’t want to be called “too sensitive.” 

Photo courtesy: Freepik (photo by storyset) 

I know I’m not alone in this. Many people, especially women, struggle with assertiveness. Be too quiet and you’re ignored. Be too direct and you’re judged for speaking up. 

Assertive communication is expressing your needs, opinions or boundaries clearly and respectfully. It’s not aggressive or passive. It’s direct and grounded. 

Unfortunately, women are often penalized for expressing their needs assertively. A review in Psychological Bulletin found that people often see assertive women as less likeable than assertive men. It’s not because they think women are less competent. It’s because women are expected to be warm and agreeable. Assertiveness breaks that common perception.  

This bias starts early. Girls who speak up are called bossy. Women who negotiate are seen as demanding. People who set boundaries are expected to explain themselves. 

This tension creates what is called a “likeability-competence tradeoff.” Women displaying assertiveness are often seen as either likeable or competent, but rarely both. For many of us, speaking plainly carries risks. 

I’ve felt it myself. I’ve said “no problem” when it was a big problem. I’ve apologized for having needs. I’ve smiled through discomfort just to avoid conflict. 

But I’ve also learned that assertiveness isn’t cruelty. It’s honesty. 

What Assertiveness Sounds Like 

It doesn’t always mean raising your voice. Assertiveness can be calm, quiet and kind. 

It sounds like: 

• “Actually, I’d rather not talk about that.” 

• “That comment made me uncomfortable.” 

• “I need more time before I decide.” 

• “Let’s pause here, I want to revisit something.” 

These phrases felt impossible to say at first. I was scared people would think I was too harsh, too sensitive or too much. 

But discomfort is often a sign of growth. 

Research by Mayo Clinic shows assertive communication reduces anxiety, boosts confidence and strengthens relationships. It protects your energy. When you say what you mean, people don’t have to guess. You don’t have to bottle things up. 

Assertiveness is an Act of Care 

As women, we are often taught to be helpful, likeable and agreeable. But assertiveness isn’t a betrayal of kindness, it’s an act of care. For yourself, and for others. 

Here are some ways you can turn common passive responses into assertive ones: 

• Instead of: “Sorry, I’m probably overreacting but…” 
  Try: “This matters to me, and I want to talk about it.” 
   

• Instead of: “If it’s not too much trouble…” 
  Try: “I’d appreciate it if…” 
   

• Instead of: Saying yes when you mean no 
  Try: “I’m not able to take that on right now.” 

Photo courtesy: Pexels (photo by Luci) 

It takes practice. You might feel awkward or guilty, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. 

I’m still unlearning the idea that being agreeable is the same as being good. I’m learning to speak directly, without apology. And I’m learning there’s strength in that. 

You can be kind and clear. You can be soft and firm. You can say no and still be a good friend, partner or person. 

Assertiveness isn’t selfish. It’s self-respect.